Login | Register







Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 6 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Tell Me More Challenge -- "Marine"
PostPosted: Wed Jun 28, 2017 11:26 am 
Writer
Writer

Joined: Sat Dec 27, 2014 12:08 pm
Posts: 507
Sex: Male
Are you a published author?: No
Marine TDW 1416.1

Lance Sergeant Marco Domici was on a clandestine mission to the planet Birach. The Star Confederation Navy invasion depended on his small team to destroy a major weapon and save thousands of lives. Prince Allesandro's Jump Lights, Marco's brothers and sisters in arms, were a thousand of the lives he would save.

The mission failed before it began. The insertion ship was spotted and shot down. The only person who knew mission details was dying. Enemy jets, armor, and infantry were heading their way. An oppressive regime would parade them on video before executing them in public.

Their only hope was to overthrow the government and end the need for invasion. Marco had thirty days to succeed with a new team; backwoods hunters, black marketeers, Red Cards with nothing to lose, and one exotic dancer.

It was time to Marine Up. Marco and Birach would never be the same.

_________________
Firster, Free Trade League


Top
 Offline Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Tell Me More Challenge -- "Marine"
PostPosted: Wed Jun 28, 2017 4:30 pm 
Captain
Captain
Avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 13, 2009 8:59 am
Posts: 3688
Location: Cork, Ireland
Sex: Female
Are you a published author?: Yes
Age: 11 Apr 1996
It's like Star Trek/Last of the Breed/modern epic. In other words my favorite thing. *thumbs up* It intrigues me.


Top
 Offline Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Tell Me More Challenge -- "Marine"
PostPosted: Wed Jun 28, 2017 10:02 pm 
Writer
Writer
Avatar

Joined: Sun Jan 01, 2017 4:24 pm
Posts: 30
Sex: Female
Are you a published author?: No
The opening felt a little slow, but by the end I was definitely interested. Tell me more!


Top
 Offline Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Tell Me More Challenge -- "Marine"
PostPosted: Thu Jun 29, 2017 5:33 pm 
Writer
Writer

Joined: Thu Dec 24, 2015 11:28 pm
Posts: 126
Sex: Female
Are you a published author?: No
Age: 17 Dec 2000
This is only my personal opinion, but there are a lot of details that are just in there - maybe too much. It felt slow to me (I don't know if there is a way to shorten it and make it more precise. Something maybe that would have people jumping off their seats to find out).

I can see the tension, the stakes. Marco's family is going to be killed if he fails. Many will be killed if he fails.

You can revise much better than I could seeing that is is your story, but here's a suggestion...

A clandestine mission to the planet Birach led by Lance Sergeant Marco Domici fails before it even starts. The insertion ship is down and a man is dying - the only man who knows the details of their mission. Thousands of lives are in jeopardy, lives that matter dearly to Marco - the lives of family, friends, and countless innocents.

Marco, in a desperate attempt to evade the enemy and complete his mission, sets off with an untried team of backwoods hunters, black marketeers, Red Cards, and one exotic dancer to do the only thing he can do - overthrow the government of Birach thereby ending the need for an invasion by the Star Confederation Navy.

A knife teeters on the edge of a cliff and the ticking clock is no help at all. Marco has a mere thirty days to succeed, but, with the odds entirely against him, it seems impossible. It is time to Marine Up, and Marco knows nothing will ever be the same after this.

_________________
"There is meaning in every journey that is unknown to the traveler." -Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." -Jim Elliot

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. -Proverbs 4:23


Top
 Offline Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Tell Me More Challenge -- "Marine"
PostPosted: Thu Jun 29, 2017 7:27 pm 
Writer
Writer
Avatar

Joined: Wed Jun 29, 2016 3:14 pm
Posts: 239
Location: FL (Formerly WY/SD)
Sex: Female
Are you a published author?: No
Age: 18 Sep 1979
I find the first paragraph confusing and don't understand the last sentence of it at all. I like the last Marine Up line a lot. Who's dying - Marco or someone else?

_________________
Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there


Top
 Offline Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Tell Me More Challenge -- "Marine"
PostPosted: Fri Oct 13, 2017 9:00 am 
Writer
Writer

Joined: Sat Dec 27, 2014 12:08 pm
Posts: 507
Sex: Male
Are you a published author?: No
Can you let a million innocent people die?

The doctor fought to keep the captain alive long enough to get the mission details; the Star Confederation's clandestine operation failed before it began.

A officer's commission awaits Lance Sergeant Marco Domici (Prince Allesandro's Jump Lights) if he follows orders. Enough money to marry the woman of his dreams. His father's ghost will rest with pride.

Will Marco throw away Irene's life and his Marine honor for people he doesn't know?

_________________
Firster, Free Trade League


Top
 Offline Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 6 posts ] 


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron